Here's a note I left myself last night, for today: "Look at your to-do lists from Thu - Sun. Now actually do that stuff."
Don’t run from the police, you’ll just go to jail tired.
I hate double standards. If my wife calls me 'daddy' during sex, it's supposed to be hot. I call her 'mommy' and it's game over.
Went to get checked for a hernia and the doctor told me to quit smoking. He told me to cough, so I did, for 2 1/2 minutes.
As your kids get older, their birthday parties become less fun, because you have to start inviting THEIR friends.
My friend said the Chinese take care of aging family members. Hope so! Dropping the mother in law off with her suitcase at PF Chang's later.
James Franco always looks like he's trying to read an eye chart.