Say "no" to drugs all you want because talking to inanimate objects is the best way to show people you're sober.
How popular do I have to get before attempts on my life are considered "assassination attempts" rather than just attempted murder?
Having sex with me is like reading an iTunes agreement: It takes forever and few people choose to do it.
Hypochondria, the only affliction hypochondriacs don’t think they have.
Dave Asten
Dont be afraid of change, its inevitable. Unless youre homeless. Then you might have to go around asking for it. By the way, I dont have any.
Bring back hanging, I say! These tumble driers are useless.
It's hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.