Amigo
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together already and agree on what I really look like.
Amigo
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy…
Amigo
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Amigo
When someone says to me great minds think alike, I just look at them and think “you dirty bastard”.
I HATE it when I think I'm buying organic vegetables, but when I get home I discover they're just regular donuts.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Amigo
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’