Funny Statuses

The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.

I've been told that when you meet the right person you would know immediately. Then how come you meet wrong person. It takes a year and a half ?

Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.

Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I'm done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

I should have told my wife I was referring to her memory BEFORE comparing her to an elephant.

Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine. It's getting difficult to sell sober people a $10 cup of coffee.

I do all of my ironing in the dryer.