Funny Statuses

I’m going to retire and live off my life savings. What I’ll do the second week, I have no idea.

I'm feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.

Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!

Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?

Do the people inside mascot costumes also smile when they have their photos taken?

Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.

The only thing that appears correct on my paycheck is the amount I got paid is “gross.”