I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I nearly killed a cyclist...
My friend just told me I am one of the smartest people they know. I told them, "You need to meet more people."
I don't get it, no matter how many times I call shotgun the cops still put me in the back of the car.
Alcohol - The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance "medicine"
Call me a lightweight, but I get drunk on one beer. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the ninth or tenth beer.
When accountants go insane, do they start to hear invoices?
I have to use sarcasm because punching you in the face is illegal.