Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.
Santa's creepiness factor would rise dramatically if he laughed instead with a "hee, hee, hee."
I always seem to lose things when I get drunk. Like my dignity...
The only thing preventing me from smashing my alarm clock this morning is the fact that it’s my cellphone.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, you're probably one of them.
Why do we say the alarm went off when, in fact, it went on?