Funny Statuses

I would be so much nicer if you were just a little smarter.
Beware of websites and women that ask you to continue unprotected.
Autocorrect - What drunk people use to sound sober, and what sober people use to sound drunk.
I was eating my daily apple and a doctor walked right up to me... My whole life has been a lie.
They say after a plane crash they can identify you by your dental records. What I'm wondering is how they know who your dentist is.
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll have a new excuse to avoid his wife.
I have heard that you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I'd rather not have a job. So I went to the office barefoot in boxers and a t-shirt today. It worked!
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