There's no I in team, but there are two in Schizophrenia.
Movember just reminds me that I inherited my Dad's inability to grow facial hair. Why couldn't I be more like my mom?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
I'm never really in a hurry until it's clear that person driving in front of me isn't either.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, the 3rd ones for you!