Coffee helps me do the stupid stuff people make me do all day and beer helps me forget the stupid stuff people made me do all day.
My mother in law asked me to join her LinkedIn network, which pretty much means I have to stay away from the entire internet for the rest of my life.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
There needs to be a breast cancer awareness t-shirt that says, "Yes they're fake. My real ones tried to kill me!"
The only reason "Ladies first" was made was so guys could check out her ass.
I hate taking girls to eat at Subway, when they get their six inch sub they look at me and instantly know I've been lying to them.
Didn't get much sleep last night, so this morning I put Red Bull in my coffee maker instead of water. Now I can see noises.