Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Someone just told me to "have a good morning". Why doesn't that jerk care about the rest of my day?
Whoever said 'you are your own worst critic' apparently never posted a video on Youtube.
The best things in life are free, but they still screw you on shipping.
You know technology has taken over when making peanut butter cookies with the nephews and showing them how to make criss cross fork marks on the top they ask why we are putting hash tags on the cookies.
I'm so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee.