I was being sincere when I told my friends their baby looks like a movie star I just failed to mention that the kid looks like E.T.
I think the disaster we're most over-prepared for is the floor turning to lava.
College students in 8:00am classes are probably the closest thing to zombies that the world will ever have.
How the hell was Cinderella the only woman with that shoe size in the entire kingdom?
Every time I almost think humanity will be okay, I see someone struggle with the self-checkout for 20 minutes.
Today, I'm going to give it my some.
Commenting on your own status is the Facebook equivalent of talking to yourself.