My wife said she feels safe when I'm next to her in bed. I was surprised because our neighbors always scream after I snuggle up to them.
If you love something, let it go...out with the guys once in a while.
The entrance exam for being a surgeon should be picking up a crouton with a fork without breaking it.
When I look in the mirror, I'm vaguely confused as to how the hell that sexy beast is made from my parents genes.
Sci-fi fans who use Star Wars references for real life situations are single virgins because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.
They say you that you can't overdose on marijuana but in the bible Stephen got stoned to death...
I’m on this new diet called the stomach flu. I’m never hungry! And the weight is pouring off, I mean out of me.