If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story.
Marriage = Betting someone half your stuff that you'll love them forever.
Good news is my daughter paid back the $3000 she owed me. The bad news is she gave it to me in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.
It's a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Women shouldn't have children after forty. Because, really, forty children should be enough.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes, unless you are trying to complete a task before the microwave beeps.
Any convenience store that requires the customer to wear pants isn’t convenient at all.