Officer: "Anything you say will be held against you" Me: "BOOBS!"
I love secretly placing a deck of cards on top of someones ceiling fan.
I accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math.
MTV has canceled "Teen Mom." So at least MTV knows when to pull out...
The fridge is a clear example that what matters is what’s inside.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”
“I’ll be speaking with my lawyer” is the adult version of saying “I'm telling mom”