You say "restraining order", I say "long distance relationship."
I don't know why I look in the back seat of my car when I get in at night.Like the killer is going to scream 'Oh crap! you saw me, retreat!
What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush that."
One mans FML is another mans LOL.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
I'm going to buy a large industrial screw then go to an amusement park. I'll get on a roller coaster with someone who looks really scared and when the ride starts, hold up the screw and say, "Wait... where did this come from?"
Somebody needs to tell the people who make Lucky Charms to stop putting cereal in my box of marshmallows.