Cris
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Congrats on your secret admirer! It must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Whenever I delete text messages, I feel like I’m destroying evidence.
Cyberbilly
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, "It's pronounced 'quiche', dear."
Xyuppi
I'm convinced that every time a sock goes missing from the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid.
Getting run over by a truck hauling organic food will be the closest I get to dying of natural causes.