I hate when people passive-aggressively post vague, indirect statuses. You know who you are...
If my kid ever asks, I'm telling her that a belly button is just an extra butthole.
Not even Clint Eastwood could make a Segway cop look badass.
An ad begs me to try "the toothbrush most dental professionals use" and I think, "That's gross; I'll buy my own."
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is an awesome phrase, but it’s a horrible way to tell your kid they’re adopted.
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar and told my friend "That's us in 10 years". She said "That's a mirror".
I was expelled from school on pajama day. Not my fault I sleep naked.