I don't answer unexpected knocks on the door in case it's the beginning of a very polite Zombie Apocalypse.
Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.
Just dropped my ipod in a glass of apple juice. The irony is killing me.
Do you ever get the feeling that you're being watched? Because if it's bothering you, I'll stop...
Based on US obesity rates, soon people will walk for president.
Live today like it's your last! (but use a condom just in case it isn't)
If Facebook retains ownership of everything you post, I'm going to upload my debt...