Do deaf people get paranoid when farting in public?
I replied to your event invites with "maybe" because there wasn't a box for "I haven't seen you since high school, leave me alone."
My Olympic condoms have arrived - I wanted to wear a gold one, but the wife said "wear the silver one and come second for a change".
Cyberbilly
I got an email from Facebook saying I complain too much. They want to change my status question from "What's on your mind?" to "Now what?"
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Interviewer: "We want to hire responsible people." Me:"Great! When things go wrong people always say say I'm "responsible".
I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.