Funny Statuses

I have ADHD so bad that I should probably never throw a boomerang...
I think there may be blood in my alcohol system. No seriously, I'm going to have to shut the brewery down. This is a very serious health hazard.
Last night I watched a movie about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but halfway through I never wanted it to end.
In London, firefighters had to free a man whose penis was stuck in his toaster. For some reason, the English wonder why we think they can’t cook.
I don't go to the gym because I saw on Oprah that's how most staph infections spread. See, I really do care about my health!
How long does it take to shoot an apple off someone's head with a bow and arrow? Time Will Tell.
Could a vegetarian eat a Bulbasaur?
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