Xyuppi
I don't think I drink too much, but last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it!
Xyuppi
I get enough exercise by just pushing my luck.
Last night I ordered a pizza and the delivery guy told me the most amazing joke. Well, the joke was alright, but the delivery was pretty good.
Xyuppi
You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.
Nillers
Remember on Sunday to set your clocks back one hour, and then on Tuesday to not set the country back 50 years.
Kristian Alekov
If Trump wins I'm leaving the country. If Hillary wins I'm leaving the country. This is not a political post, I just want to go on vacation.
Xyuppi
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.