I don’t need to watch the news to tell me how hard it’s going to snow, as I can always tell by how many loaves of bread are left on the shelf at the supermarket.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.
I had a girlfriend who was narcoleptic. She claimed she got it from me. But, God knows how many guys she slept with.
Some people fill their car tires with nitrogen, but I prefer helium. It doesn't help mileage but when I have a blow-out it sounds funnier.
I've been trying to fill my head with information. Fortunately, there's plenty of empty space for it
The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.
Me, trying to explain to my daughter what a jukebox was: “You know, kinda like an 800-lb. iPod.