Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
If I could get a firm grip on reality...I'd probably choke it.
Tequila probably won’t fix your problems, but it’s worth a shot.
My alarm clock stopped working, so I'll be setting the microwave for 8 hours while I sleep on the kitchen floor.
One day you're the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you're toast.
Hangovers are nature's way of grounding you as an adult.