Nothing says "friend zone" quite like a girl saying "you're like a brother to me." (Disregard this message if you're from Alabama)
Amigo
Sometimes waking up means the best part of your day is over.
Amigo
I’ve spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down
Amigo
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When a pregnant woman swims, she is a human submarine.
Cris
I don’t think my boss appreciated me jiggling my butt in her face this morning. But, in my defense she told me to “get twerk”.
Cris
I once dated a girl with a parrot. That thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.