C'mon Netflix, we both know I'm watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would probably take me at least a week to realize I wasn’t at work anymore.
My favorite Transformer is Amazon Prime.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Pizza: nah, Sex: eh, Drinking: no thanks, It's so hard thinking of what to give up for Lent...
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.