If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
In alcohol's defense, I've done some pretty dumb stuff while completely sober too...
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn't need a stage name, pick something else.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
The Soviet Union should get back together for a Soviet Reunion.
I’d still choose rock over paper in a real fight.