It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us french fries, potato chips, and vodka. Other vegetables should take notes.
Whenever I delete text messages, I feel like I’m destroying evidence.
As funny as it might be, It's never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
"That looks interesting. I think I'll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like a G.I. Joe action figure that has been put in the microwave on high for 20 minutes.
At this point I'm guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
I quit my job at the helium factory today. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.