I don't live paycheck to paycheck. I live paycheck to four days before paycheck...
I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a crap in days...
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
Why are they called territorial disputes and not ground beef?
Forget Klondike, you should see what I'd do for an open bar.
You know technology has taken over when making peanut butter cookies with the nephews and showing them how to make criss cross fork marks on the top they ask why we are putting hash tags on the cookies.
They should send "Get well soon" cards to people who forgot to pay their water bill.