Dear middle finger, thanks for always standing up for me.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
Redneck word of the day: Twerk "Imma have one more beer then imma get back twerk!"
Amigo
Black Friday: People spend $300 on a tent so they can save $50 on a TV.
If I was a mortician I'd tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU'RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.