When god closes the door he opens a window. when my boss closes the door I crap my pants.
It's hard napping at your desk when you have night terrors. I had to pretend I was screaming about Adobe updates.
I once woke up next to a beautiful girl and thought 'Yes!' only to have her wake up, see me and mutter 'Thats it, No more drinking for me!'
Occasionally I email an ex "GET TESTED!" They get all mad, but the LSAT deadline is coming up.
Smokey the Bear says that only you can prevent forest fires. Don't know which one of you he's talking to, but your doing a crappy job so far
Every time I hear Kenny G playing at CVS it's non-consensual sax.
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.