God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
I finally gave my wife multiple orgasms, but she still isn't happy. Apparently it doesn't count if they are years apart.
How can people lift weights? My arms get tired just by putting my hair in a ponytail...
Duct tape doesn't fix stupidity, but it definitely muffles the sound.
I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
This Labor Day let’s celebrate all the work we successfully avoided this year.