My mom asked me how Twitter works so I explained it to her. Then she asked if Twitter is the reason why I don't have a girlfriend.
Chewbacca is like an over-sized pekingese with an auto-tuner shoved in his throat.
Pro tip: When traveling, choose your rest stops wisely. I just had to explain to my 8 year old what, "ribbed for her pleasure" means.
Does Hallmark make a Get Well card for a boss that suggests they take their time with it?
Every time a friend starts a sentence with, "I went to a psychic," I yell, "SPOILER ALERT!" and cover my ears.
I wonder how many of those drug-sniffing dogs have to go to rehab.
Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.