Asked a friend for a newspaper. He told me to get with the times, and handed me his iPad. That fly never saw it coming!
If you think you're having a bad day, just remember, someone is gonna have Snooki as their mom.
Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person is typing… Person says: hi
If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit end on a call, I would all have no friends.
You can save a lot of money by walking face-first into a spiderweb every morning instead of buying coffee.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you're not in shape, it's too far to walk back.
Whoever said nothing was impossible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree.