Santa is the only one who can say that he's watching you without sounding like a stalker.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except for you.
Old people talk into cell phones like they hit the Caps Lock key on their voice.
Excuse me, here's your nose. I found it in my business.
So the Titanic was done in 3D recently... do you think they will actually see the iceberg this time?
An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd so tap that.'