My Grandpa confused the term "butt dial" w/ "booty call." I almost fainted when he said "I booty called your mother last night."
Thank God Beyonce had her baby and can go back to work. For the past 6 months that family's had to live entirely on Jay-Z's salary.
I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren't you wearing pants" look.
Karma is actually really nice you just have to get to know her.
Marriage is saying "let me slip into something a bit more comfortable," and returning wearing sweatpants and a hoodie.
You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.