I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Nurse, "There's a man in the waiting room who claims he's invisible." Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him."
Double Dare was a great parallel of life. If you're too dumb to succeed using your brain, you'd better be good at physical labor.
Relationships are like farts, you shouldn't force one that's not there or the end result could be crappy.
Mom taught me "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all". I ended up mute for most of the 90s.
Tried explaining Twitter to my dad, but his "why would you want to do that?" argument was pretty bulletproof.
When I gave my wife a cookbook as a gift, she learned how to bake a cake, how to sauté, and exactly how hard she can throw a book at my head.