Babies with sunglasses are hilarious. They're like tiny blind, jazz musicians.
*Spoiler Alert!* The milk in my fridge a week past the expiration date.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Steve Jobs was born out of wedlock, put up for adoption at birth, dropped out of college, then changed the world. What's your excuse?
The most terrifying question a woman can ask a man is: Notice anything different?
You say "couple holding hands". I say "spontaneous red rover".
Bring your daughter to work day must be awkward for prostitutes.