Pretty stoked the Tooth fairy doesn't exist. Some creep that sneaks into a kid's bedroom, while they sleep, for souvenirs is traumatizing.
A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. Ok, fine, mannequin. But she doesn't talk much and I like that.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If fake tans make you look more attractive then logically so will rolling your naked body in Cheetos dust.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
When it comes time for me to be reincarnated, I hope they forget all those times I wished I were a fly on the wall.