"Good morning!" is usually the first lie of my day.
I was having a great day until it hit me that The Situation has already made more money than I'll ever see in my lifetime. How's your day?
Trail mix containing chocolate is just a deconstructed candy bar.
Why would anyone become a meteorologist when we've got perfectly good computer models that are never right?
Her: "I look good today. All the men have been staring at me all day." Me: "People stare at horrific car crashes, too."
I don't think it's necessary for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles to wear masks in an attempt to hide their identity.
pedicure lady: ohhh you shave your legs for a boy tonight? me: no i shaved them for you! pedicure lady: ohhh that's sad