Having one child makes you a parent. Having two makes you a referee.
My main job as a husband is to taste things that my wife thinks taste like they've gone bad and tell her if they taste bad.
What kind of sick bastard figured out that you can make a cake out of carrots?
If anyone thinks Ramen noodles and Ritz crackers constitute a meal, then yeah, I'm totally a chef.
If you love something, let it go...out with the guys once in a while.
I did nothing again today because I didn’t finish doing it yesterday.
Thank God for women. If it wasn't for them, us men wouldn't know that we do everything wrong.