Twitter: Where we all write our wrongs.
My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome cos I have the bread.
When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.
From now on everyone should start saying "No" when asked to be put on hold.
My Doctor told me low vitamin D levels are a Diabetes risk. Well, what he actually said was “Go outside, Fatty.”
I leave the seat up in the ladies room so the next girl gets scared.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.