You can make your fat friend exercise by changing his cell phone ring to the sound of an approaching ice cream truck.
The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.
Last month my financial adviser said to invest in alcohol and drugs in this economy. This morning I found out he meant companies.
Returning to work after a happy vacation is a great way to remember how to hate people.
I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.
FACT: Vampires aren't on Tumblr because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.
Runway modeling is a lot like car racing. High maintenance objects going in circles & the entertaining highlights are when someone crashes.