Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
If my dog is good I'll change the channel during the sad ASPCA commercials. If he's not I hold his eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange.
I'm too tired to do a lap dance. How 'bout I just sit on your knee and you do the horsey thing?
My neck is killing me. My memory foam mattress must have amnesia.
It's a good thing Cedric the Entertainer wanted to pursue showbiz otherwise that name would be awkward.
Whenever my gums bleeds at the dentist, she always asks me when the last time I flossed was. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there.
You never really miss a person, until you let them go.