[At a spelling bee] Teacher: your word is "forwards" Me: No fair! Everyone else only had to spell one.
Her: I bet he's thinking about other women. Me: Why the hell doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
I buy my condoms at Costco. When you go through them like I do, you need a place with a really good return policy.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he's disqualified.
Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didn't know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years.
Mosquitoes are basically just used, flying, dirty needles