This year for Lent I'm giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don't need that negativity in my life.
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?