Insightful Statuses

When I die, I want my tombstone to offer free WiFi, just so people will visit more often.

Traveling the world has opened my eyes to new food. I tried Greece and Turkey. Now I'm Hungary.

It's amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".

My only trick for looking younger, is when an 90's song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.

No one is as ugly as their driver's license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.

There's a big difference between knowing what time the liquor store closes, and what time it opens.

I should win an Oscar for acting like I'm busy at work.