Insightful Statuses

There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water: number 1 and number 2

When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?

The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said "That's how I want you to do it"

I'm paying my taxes with a smile, but they wrote me back saying they want cash.

I tried to give a cute waitress my phone number by writing it on the credit card receipt but accidentally tipped her 9 billion dollars.

You never realize how weird your friends are until you start to describe them to someone else.

Is there another word for synonym?