Xyuppi
I can't get out of bed. These blanket have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now I might lose their trust.
Jon
Beggin'Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a butt across an airport; I'm sure they know it's NOT bacon
For every cigarette you smoke, God takes an hour from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.
I now own an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it.
Cyberbilly
My wife found out that I was cheating. How? She found the letters I'd been hiding. She got real mad and said she'd never play Scrabble with me ever again.
Cyberbilly
Never lie to an X-Ray technician. They can see right through you.
Jon
A set of jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.