I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
Who decided to call them conjugal visits instead of guilty pleasures?
I can't afford to go on a vacation, so I'm just going to drink until I don't know where I am.
Have you ever seen a baby horse trying to stand for the first time? That's what I look like getting out of bed in the morning.
Running behind is my cardio.
You know that feeling when the fireworks are over and it's time to go home? Being an adult is basically just like that, but all the time.
I swear 90% of the contacts in my phone are useless.